Change
Posted by: Amanda on: November 22, 2009
Wow, I have not been on here in forever. Let me tell you, a lot has changed since my last post. I guess a few things drove me not to post on here anymore; maybe that needs to change. Then again, maybe not. What I do know is that I feel compelled to post right now, so here I am.
As you know, I started this blog when my Mom left, the first time. However, she came back, and this journal took on a new and happier life. Well, journal, she is gone again. It’s been a few months that she has been gone now, and I guarantee she is not coming back. Right now she is off in Arizona, with some guy named Tony that I have never met. I guess maybe it is time for a story…
Since the beginning of the summer, when things seemed as if they were going amazingly well, my sister, mom, and I were planning on going to my cousin’s baby shower. However, at that time none of us (except for maybe my mom) knew that it was going to change our lives forever. Somehow in the time before the baby shower, the fighting started between my parents again. Three days before the shower, my mom told me that I would be driving up to the shower, that she would be staying there and never coming back home. Needless to say, I was no longer very excited about that baby shower.
The day of the shower arrives, and I have my boyfriend come with us (despite the fact that, as most of us know, baby showers are usually just for the girls) due to the fact that I am an extremely emotional person, and I knew I was going to have a problem driving home that day. So, not only do I have my mom leaving on my mind, but I am guilty for dragging Jaryd along when he would have been much happier staying home. The shower starts and ends, my mind on other things all along; it is time to go home. Jaryd, my sister, my brother chad (who my mom decided it would be a good idea to bring, for some reason) and I get into the car. My brother, who is only six years old, realizes that my mom is not getting into the car. He begins bawling his eyes out, begging my mom to stay. It takes about a half an hour until we are actually able to leave, my brother is still crying though. Finally, after much joking and silliness, Jaryd gets him smiling.
Now, let me get one thing straight. At this point, I was on my mom’s side. We live in Connecticut, and my mom’s family lives an hour away in Massachusetts. That is not a bad drive at all. I understood that she was leaving because she wanted to end the fighting; I felt as though she was saving us. Sure, I didn’t want her to leave, but I had realized long before that a divorce would probably be best for us all. Things at home were just too scary; it was no longer a happy or healthy home for any of us. So even though it made us all upset, it seemed like a very commendable thing that she was doing. Then we got home.
My Dad was devastated. He was asking us questions: Where is she? Where is she going? Why is she doing this? We’ve been married for twenty-two years! and it was quite hard to deal with them. My mother and everything involving her seems like such a blur now; it all happened so fast. My mom called us, she was in Arizona. She was with a guy named Tony. Was not coming back. It was for us. Her family did not know she was coming there. I guess you can say that is the bulk of what I know about my mother right now. What I remember the most about this summer is the tears that my dad cried, his false hopes of my mother coming home and them being happy again, and my six year old brother staring out the window hoping that every car driving by or phone ringing was her. But eventually, we realized that nothing was going to happen; this was our new reality.
My mom was supposed to stay in Massachusetts, instead she ran off to Arizona. She was supposed to help us pay our bills, but instead she took all of the money. She was supposed to let us visit once she was settled (although, we obviously couldn’t in Arizona…), but now she never calls. Well, now she can’t, because my dad blocked her number. Understand, he wasn’t blocking her; he was blocking Tony. Tony likes to leave angry messages on our answering machine, and my dad doesn’t think his kids deserve to hear that; I don’t think we do either.
Things around here are a lot different now, and a lot of other things have changed since my mom left.
I have lost and made a lot of friends; some of them were very dear to my heart. But I have come to terms with the fact that God brings people in and out of our lives for a reason. He puts people in our lives that He knows we need, and they leave when they have done their part. Only some people are meant to stay in your life forever.
Then, I cut my hair, as you can see from my photo for this entry. That was taken on my birthday, which I can say was probably one of the best yet. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and my family. By family, I mean both my mom and my dad’s side; luckily, my mom’s family was on our side, and has been very supportive.
Jaryd has decided to go to the Air Force, and is going to be taking his ASVAB test as soon as possible. He plans to leave in February. I remember when he wanted to leave for the Coast Guard, I couldn’t stand it…but I know that the Air Force is what God wants for him. I just have a feeling. Our relationship has been rocky, but we have kept it together, and I am so thankful for that.
The biggest changes have been the most recent. On my birthday, my dad and my brother started coming to church with Jaryd, my sister, and I. He also met a wonderful woman named Cathy, who I very much believe was sent to him (and us) from God. She was from Michigan, and ended up moving up here and into our house. It was a bit overwhelming at first, and we are still getting used to it, but they are in love. They are in love in a way that I never saw between my mom and my dad; I think it is very much true love. She just got a job up here, which is great; she loves to hang out with my little brother, and even plays wii and games with all of us. We have had family game nights, all go to church together, and sometimes just sit and talk. It is weird to actually have a family that hangs out together, but I guess it is supposed to be normal. (I wouldn’t know) Cathy has a son named Chad, but we call him Leon (considering we have a Chad of our own) and also a daughter named Hannah. Leon lives here with us, but none of us have met Hannah yet. It’s a strange living arrangement, I guess, but I really do believe God is in these decisions; He is leading us in the right direction.
One last thing! I am enjoying this year at college; my room and roommate are so much more amazing than last year. I room with my best friend, Ashley. Also, Jaryd’s cousin, Nicole is in my suite. So, it has been a pretty amazing year. On top of that, I have changed my major: I now want to be an elementary teacher. That is probably one of the biggest changes of all!
As you can see, I have a lot of life going on…and maybe that is why I haven’t written. But now I feel that it is all the more reason to…with my new “mother” figure in our house, my boyfriend getting ready to leave to boot camp, and my new challenge to become an elementary teacher instead of a high school teacher…I am sure that I will have many more stories to come! So, journal, I am back! But for now, it is time for me to head back to bed. (Yeah, I woke up and wrote this in the middle of the night. Weird, huh?)
See you later, bloggers! And until next time, Happy Blogging!
I must be fine; my heart’s still beating.
Posted by: Amanda on: June 11, 2009
Those lines from a White Stripes’ song reminded me that yes, I must be fine–my heart in fact is still beating. I thought this was rellevent because today at the Writing Center we talked about fear.
And something that I have always been afraid of is taking responsibility for who I am. Realizing I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and am not able to eat like everyone with a good metabolism. Showing people who I really am, even if that means they won’t like me anymore. Doing what is right even if that means learning the truth. That is what scared me.
But even though it is wearing me out, and breaking me down, I am beginning to survive and overcome all of these fears. I am taking responsibilty for being overweight. I am not blowing off things that need to be done, commitments I have made. And I am going out of my comfort zone and actually doing things that will get me somewhere in life. And I am proud of that. I haven’t died from stepping out of my comfort zone–my heart is still beating; I am alive.
And I am also realizing that I never gave myself enough credit. Today, at the WC, I decided to read my paper. Now, let me tell you–I hate presenting things to people, especially stuff that I have written. It scares me, because I am always afraid I won’t be good enough. But when I was done reading, and Larry said “And you didn’t want to read that?! That was great!” I was shocked. I was so shocked that these amazing writers around me, with their beautiful words that I admire, thought that I was great. It made me think that taking risks and coming out of my shell is really not so bad. Maybe I don’t have to be shy, and maybe the WC will be what brings me out for good.
I feel comfortable there, and I am really excited to have this oppurtunity. I think that it is going to bring out a whole new side of me, and I am happy to work there because I finally feel at home at RIC again, the way I felt when I first fell in love with the college, and was dying to go. Next year is going to be a great year, I can already tell.
But now I am off to watch Fired Up! with Jaryd. I am going to be gone all weekend at another Relay for Life, so I won’t post for the next few days or so. But until then, Happy Blogging!! =)
Balancing Act.
Posted by: Amanda on: June 10, 2009
So I have to admit that I have been down in the dumps today. I woke up not really motivated to do much of anything. I felt sick, and I just wanted to avoid everything I had to do at all costs. I did not want to go to curves, or try and attempt to work. I just wanted to sleep, and sleep…oh yeah–and sleep.
But at that moment I made a decision: I am not going to do that today. I always seem to run from my problems, or things that I don’t want to do. But not this time, not anymore. So instead jumping back into bed, I put my sneakers on and headed to the gym. And it felt good. Not even just because it was a good work out. No, it was more than that. It was me concsiously making the decision to not sit back a let life pass me by. It was the decision to stop the excuses, and just do it.
Growing up with two disabled parents has been hard. I feel very bad for them, and I know that they would work and have normal lives if they could. But it has also made me realize that I have to make the most of every second that I have, because there are people out there that really cannot do it. And what? I am letting the tiniest bit of fatigue get me down? A small headache, a tinsy upset in my stomach? No way. Not any more. I need to get my priorities straight so that I can make this the best life possible. Because there are people out there going through life every day with more than my tiny little problems. And that is the truth.
What is hard for a lot of people in my life right now to understand is that I am growing up. That I am learning that I need to get these things done in order to succeed. I had to turn two friends down today because I had homework to do, and not to mention by the end of the day–I was truly beat! But it was one of the most satisfying days of my life, because I knew I pushed myself to do what needed to be done. I even got all of my homework done for my tutoring class already–I usually do not have it done until the very last second before I have to leave for RI. Today was a very productive day.
But where to friends really fit in on this list? It has really become a balancing act for me. I really want to visit with them and do something fun, but at the same time I am trying to get my life in order. And that is a big step for me. I am used to avoiding the responsibility, but lately I have been taking it all on. I am done with being afraid of life. Of letting people tell me what my priorities should be, and what should be right for me. I need to figure that out for myself, and I think I am doing a pretty good job if I do say so myself.
Another thing I have decided to do is to put high school in the past, for good. Now, for a lot of people that means throwing it away, I think. But I am talking about forgivenss. About letting high school stuff be high school stuff, and that is that. I have let all of that “he said/she said” stuff get in the way of just realizing that people are people, and you never really know what is going on unless you are walking in their shoes. I am also not saying that I am going to go search down all my high school friends and say “Hey, let’s be bestest friends again forever and ever, like totally!” No, what I am saying is that I am just wiping the slate clean. Because to be completely honest, I don’t even know what was true anymore. She said this about you, and this about him, and this about me. So, they suck. Nope, not buying it. We have all made our mistakes anyways. So I am done with whatever anyone has said about anyone. I am making my own judgements, and choosing not to judge. (If that makes even close to any sense.)
But that is just more of a balancing act, because it brings all the drama right back up. Like vomit, and it is nasty. “You are going to talk to her?! ” Yes, I think I will if I want to. Okay, thanks, bye. I am not afraid anymore, because I think it is that fear that gets me so hurt in the first place. I am pretty sure if I don’t hear it from their lips, I am not going to believe it anymore. Maybe they did say it, but I will have to find that out the hard way, I guess.
Anyways, I feel that I have kind of drifted more and more off topic. I didn’t really mean for this entry to be about half of the things it was. But that is what I have been experiencing during all of this “growing up” process. My mind is transforming and making me think things I never thought I would. And one decision leads to another and another. And I think I like who I see, this person who is starting to handle this strange balancing act better every day. To, although still care about people, I am not afraid of what they think. I am me, and that is that. Hooray.
Well, if you followed this entry, good for you. Haha. It was a strange one, and I think that the picture I took of me with a puppy dog face is just random now. It was going to be about how I was sad I haven’t been handling things too well, but through this entry I think i just learned that for me, I am handling it just fine. Wow, this was a very profound entry indeed.
Well, until my next blog—Happy Blogging! =D
The About Me Section.
Posted by: Amanda on: June 9, 2009
Most of us have facebook or myspace or something like it. On any of these sites that allow us to reveal ourselves and stay connected with friends you can find a section called “About Me.” There is no doubt in my mind that in that little section we portray the self that we want people to know. The About Me section is the make-up of these sights. The words we use to cover what might be hidden deep down. This isn’t to say that the things we say on there aren’t true, just like when we wear make-up; it is still us…just not the completely 100% real us. There is a cover.
I am not suggesting that I am in any different. The things I say in my About Me sections are all of the happy dandy stuff that make me who I am. It does not always say everything I want to say about myself, really. There are people that say “I don’t care what you think!” and all of that kind of stuff, which is really just a cry saying “I care what you think” if you ask me. But anyways, I am not going to go on and on about other people, I want to say something about myself. So, along with this, I have posted a picture of me in my element, without make-up, just there for the world to see. Here is my About Me section, for this blog post anyways:
My name is Amanda Flick. I was born on September 27, 1990 in the small town of Putnam. I am currently 18 years old, and still living there. I have red hair and hazel eyes, and skin that doesn’t really tan. If we are talking about looks, I guess I could be happier with myself. I have a low self-esteem most times, mostly because I am unhappy with my weight. I tend to eat when I am stressed or sad, so that doesn’t help. (yeah, I don’t deal with stress or any hectic situation very well….) I hate the feeling of being fat, of feeling like everything is just bulging out. But I love to be active and I currently attend curves, so with that and the summer I am hoping to improve my lifestyle so that it is a healthy one. I am extremely passionate about everything. Love, family, and friendships. I tend to invest my whole heart in all of these relationships, so I am probably considered “clingy” as a lover, friend, or even family member. But it isn’t because I am obsessive, it is because I really do care THAT MUCH. So when something goes wrong in a relationship, I don’t rest easy until it is settled, one way or the other. I have two relationships that are extremely important to me. The most important one is the one that I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I love Him, and for some reason He loves me too. I cannot begin to describe how much my life has improved with Him, but I know it has and I feel so blessed every day. I also have my boyfriend, true love, and soul mate, Jaryd Timothy Mathewson. We started dating on June 2, 2007. It has been two years now, and although we have had our ups and downs I know that we can face anything together. He has seen me in my darkest times, and he never ran away. And that is why I love him. I have an awesome family, which I love to death, too. They all have their quirks, but I love them. My parents fight a lot, but that is because they are disabled and our together 24:7. I would rather they didn’t smoke, but hey, I deal with it. I have a brother who can be really annoying, but really sweet, too. A sister who I sometimes question her thought process, but I couldn’t be happier to be related to her.
I have friends, too. I am happy to have any of the friends that I have now, because I have made some mistakes and so have they. But in the end, I am always glad to have them around. I am often busy, and wish I had more time to offer them, but after living a whole year with not a friend (in town) to my name, it is hard to manage my time as well as I could. But I do always think about them and miss them, I only wish they would understand that. And to those friends that I don’t talk to anymore, I hope they know I care. I often mistake my sadness for hate, and spread it around that I can’t stand them anymore. But the truth is that when I say that, it could not be more of a lie. It is more that I miss them, and that my brain cannot understand what happened. So, in confusion, it is angry. I am angry. And my mind is always searching for the truth in my life, and always returning to the past. I am someone who can throw that past away. I accept it, but still I am always wondering about what that means for me now. I don’t forget people that walk into my life, even if they walk out.
I am the kind of person who is always trying to do the right thing. So if I hurt people, I often don’t know why because I was never intending to hurt anyone. It just happens somewhere along my journey, even if I did not mean it to. My intentions with everything I do are usually good, so if I hurt someone I almost always seek to correct it. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I cannot hold grudges, and I trust everyone way too much. I have given second, third, fourth….ect….chances to people. Because I forgive, I love, and I move on. It is a naive way to be, I guess, considering the people in this world, but I believe it is also a good way to live. It is the way Jesus lived, and the way that God loves us. I believe all people deserve that love, and that people can change. They can. This attitude gets me hurt more than necessary, I think, but it is something I am proud of myself for. That I sincerely like about myself, no matter how hurt I may get by being that way.
That is me. Beside that are the fluff things like the fact that I love to write, and read, and dance, and listen to music. I am a happy person, who is a child at heart. I like to watch disney, and nickelodean still. I think that kids movies are cute, and sometimes I believe that I am a disney princess. I am kind of a innocent person, and don’t really do many bad things. I work at stop and shop, and the Writing Center at RIC. I want to be an English Teacher, and a novelist. I attend Church three times a week during my good weeks, and I love it. I am part of a sorority, wish I could still play soccer and be in band. Maybe I will this year, I don’t know. But that is me, good and bad. I am pretty simple, I think. But that is that.
I am not sure if even the people I know understand all of the levels I am on. How my mind constantly contemplates my life and everything and everyone in it. It is just the way I am, who I am.
But that is my entry for today, and I am stickin’ to that. Until my next entry, Happy Blogging!
I do leave you with this challenge, though…If you had an About Me section that told EVERYTHING that you are…what would it say? If you decide to write about this, please send me a link, or even feel free to leave it as a comment on my page. I would love to see what others have to say!
Oh, life. :)
Posted by: Amanda on: June 8, 2009
So I must admit that for the beginning of June it has felt more like April. But for the past couple days it has felt like summer is trying to make its way through. I love being able to wear short sleeves and sun glasses. Now all that is left is getting my butt in shape for bathing suit weather!
Today was a busy day that started with Curves. Between my sort-of-weight-watchers diet and curves, I am hoping to drop those evil extra pounds that I put on during my first year at college. Well, more-so my first semester, but you get the idea. Weight watchers is great because it is really just eating whatever you want, as long as you stay within your points. (I have kind of moved out of that and into just watching what I eat…but if that doesn’t work I might have to jump back into keeping track) And curves is wonderful because all of the machines are there for you, and all you have to do is go twice around all of the machines. Not only that, but you get a tag which helps you track how well you did (like calories) and you a light flashes green or red on the machine telling you if you are doing the machine good or bad. And a lot of people I know have had great success with curves, and unlike a regular gym you don’t have to figure out what you are supposed to be doing, it is all mapped out for you. It is positively wonderful, and definitely a great work out! So I am sure I will post up every now and then with weight updates.
Then there was working at the lovely Stop and Shop. I was not really with it today…mostly because I worked my butt off (literally!) at curves. I was a little sore, and very tired. Let’s just say when 4 o’clock came around I was ready to punch out and drive home to take a rest!
Probably the most interesting thing was having a girl’s night at the at Stephanie, the children’s pastor’s, apartment. Most of the girls that go to our quest youth group were there, and we watched High School Musical 3, ate pizza, and just hung out. It was great to hang out with people from church outside of church, and just have fun with all of the girls. It is just a great connection to yesterday’s post about how friendly my church is, and why I love it so much. 
I have to take a few moments to talk about HSM3. I think the movies are cute, but they are so completely unrealistic. Like in one scene, Troy claims he cannot dance, and two seconds later he and Gabriella are doing a perfectly choreographed dance. Or in another scene, Troy touches wet green paint and then a white pole–yet the pole gets no green paint on it. Of course it is all silly little things, but still so unrealistic. But the movies are cute–I still think that the first one was the best. Second would be the third…and I absolutely do not like the second. But they are cute, to say the least.
That is pretty much all that went on today. It was the first day that I really felt that I was starting to do something with my Summer. This past weekend and leading into this week seems like the first sight of summer I have had both with events, and also according to the weather. Hopefully it holds up. Unfortunately I heard the forecast is for rain! But, you never know. I am going to bed now, but until my next post–Happy Blogging!
-Amanda
Hope Community Church.
Posted by: Amanda on: June 7, 2009
“So we, though many, are one body in Christ and individually members of one another”
- Romans 12:5
One thing that is very important to me is my faith, and the journey that I have taken so far on the path that God has mapped out for me. For me, God has always been a very real part of my life, whether I was living the life He wanted me to or not. When I was little I went to CCD at St. Mary’s Church, and recieved my first communion. It wasn’t until I was supposed to go through confession that I shied away from the church. I stopped going to my CCD classes because I had other commitments such as girl scouts, (although it was Sunday school, they changed it to the week night that I had my meetings on…) and not to mention that my cousin told me that after I confessed they would tell my parents everything I said and I would get in trouble. (which isn’t true…and I did not do anything wrong at the time anyways, so I am not quite sure what I was worried about. After that, though I still believed in a God, I placed my faith on the back burner for a while.
God would reappear in my life slowly throughout the years. Whenever I was in need of help beyond any of our control, I would cry and ask God for His help. When my Meme died, He was the only one to see me cry; He was my shoulder to cry on. When boy after boy broke my heart, He reminded me that everything would be okay.
Throughout this time I became familiar with 24:Seven, a youth group that my life-long friend Amanda Mancini attended. I was still in the stage of figuring out who I was, and what I wanted in life, so I really only went with her to socialize. I felt awkward there many times, but I believe that was only because I was resisting what God wanted to show me. But He would not give up on me. And in November 2006, I finally acknowledge that Jesus was my savior, and died to save me from my sins. That was the beginning of the long road that is my quest.
I was not completely serious about my faith at first. I knew that Jesus was my savior, and was more confident in the fact that there was indeed God. But it took a very good friend from Ohio, through his encouragement, to add feul to the fire. And once that happened, there was no turning back. I started changing things in my life slowly, and my life began to turn happily. I loved my church, learning about God, and attending youth group.
It wasn’t until the spring of 2008 that I realized I needed something more. I had started dating Jaryd in June 2007, and we had both been attending High Point Church up until then. But slowly we both began realizing that we were getting weak in our faith. We were learning the same things over and over, and youth group had become more people there for socializing than ever. And most of the people did not even know that I had been attending that church for over a year…and it was so hard to get involved. I needed something new to refrest my faith, and get me closer to God. It wasn’t that it was not a good church–I am not sure that is ever something you can say about a church. But I realized that it was not for me–that I needed something more.
So one day I was talking to a good friend of mine, Matt Baxter. He told me about his Church, the church I attend now, Hope Community Church. He told me that they had a youth group every Friday night where they would play a game, and then have the service. The game part sounded a bit weird, but Jaryd and I decided to give it a try. I knew a few people that went there, and that comforted me. And to our surprise, when we went to church that Sunday, Pastor Jeremy, the youth pastor, remembered our names. Pastor Greg, Jeremy’s father and the Pastor for the adults/Sunday service, came right up to us and introduced himself personally. At our old church, the Pastors had been more like celebrities–people that it would be awesome to meet–but they were so hard to approach. But at Hope Community, something was different. And I felt at home from day one.
It has been over a year now that I have been attending Hope Community Church, and I could not be happier. Slowly we are getting know more and more people there–and Jaryd and I were both asked to be ushers. God really helped me find a church that would help me find my talents and gifts that would help me share the Kingdom of God in the way that I can best. He helped me find a way to serve Him. And I have felt closer to God, and to my church, than I ever have so far. Without Him, I know that I would not have made it through some of the most difficult times in my life. My parents fighting, dealing with college, and any of the conflicts I have had throughout this past year. I feel so amazed by Him. And the fact that I have an awesome Church that supports me, and answers the questions I have just makes it that much better. I feel so blessed to have known Pastor Greg, Jeremy, and Stephanie so far–they have taught me so much, and have been such wonderful influences on my life with their messages. And I also am thankful for all of the people that go there, and that make an effort to create fellowship and a better community in our small little town.
That is what my life in faith is now. What do I hope to come? I still have a lot to learn, that is for sure. I hope to be someone that can share God’s word and all of the wonderful things He has done in my life. I hope to see my family members come to my church, and hopefully I can be the light that guides them their through the changes God is making in me. But, as for the rest, only time will tell. But of course, I know that I am in good hands…God’s.
That is all for tonight, I need to get some sleep. Until my next entry, Happy Blogging!!
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Family.
Posted by: Amanda on: June 7, 2009
So I know that I haven’t been around much, but I am honestly going to try much harder now that I am moved back home. (Yes, sadly, the apartment is no more!) But that means I have internet, and I have absolutely no problem with that.
Today was my cousin Josh’s 12th birthday. My mom’s side of the family had a huge cookout at my Aunt Kim’s house in Bellingham, Mass. I do not get to see this side of family much, so it is always a great time spent with them.
It is funny to see how much we all have change over the years. How many of us are there? Sean, Kerri, Julia, David…Me, Tanya, chad….Jeremy, Josh…Tasha, Mickayla…and now baby Aiden… That is twelve cousins all together…and I can’t believe that it used to really just be Sean, Tasha, Me, Kerri, and Jeremy. I remember all of the times where we would get together and everything was so silly. We would all chase my cousin Sean around threatening to kiss him and give him cooties…and he would constantly torment us. I remember one of the biggest things would be when we were playing house and he would be the Dad and eat all of our imaginary food. To think that those were our biggest worries was whether we would get cooties, or if all of our imaginary food was gone.
Now it is so different. Sean is rarely there, Tasha is pregnant, and Kerri is consumed in her own little world figuring out who she is while she is growing up. It seems like it is just Jeremy and I now, sitting and remembering all of the times we had when we were younger. But I guess I would not have it any other way. If I had to become closer to one of my cousins than the rest, I am glad it was him. He is sincere, loyal, and just a big ol’ teddy bear. He is my favorite cousin by far. He is younger than me, but gosh he is mature enough to be a Senior in high school. I am glad that over the years we have become closer. Because I know that even though I don’t see him much, and he is an hour away–if I needed to rely on someone he would be someone I could. And he always makes me look forward to going to family events.
But everyone just seemed so happy today. I felt closer to my family today than I think I have felt in a long time, and that makes me happy. I also like knowing that Jaryd fits in with my family, and that he talks to them as if they were his very own family.
And the weather today was gorgeous! The sun was bright in the sky, and was warm and welcoming. All I have to say is “Hello, Summer!” It was the perfect day for a cookout; it was a perfect day in general.
But that is all I have for you today folks. I have been taking pictures more often, and have internet now, so you should expect more from me in the near future!! Until then, Happy Blogging!
-Amanda
The photos are all gone…
Posted by: Amanda on: May 8, 2009
There is no photograph for this entry. How could there be? How could I possibly keep all of the photographs and memories of those times I held so dear–keep them after all that went on? I do not think so.
Friendship is something that has always been close to my heart. Loving, trusting, and caring. Those are three things that I think I do too well. And right now I feel that I need to talk about something, even if I do not have an appropriate photograph for it.
In the beginning of high school, I had the most amazing group of friends that a girl could have. Even though that group of friends shifted or got a bigger (or a little smaller at times), it was still amazing. The fondest memories I have of this group of friends is my sophomore year. I had my best friend, and with her I felt unstoppable. My gay friend, whom I could not imagine life without. I had the friend who I wrote stories with, and a whole group of friends we shared them with. It was honestly the most creative I had ever been in my whole life. My friends and I, we all wrote stories about that set us out on wonderful adventures together–where in the end, no matter what, we all pulled through.
And I guess that makes it that much harder to know that we did not. That eventually one thing would make us shift and change so much that we would not make it through. One thing that would make us forget about being pirates, having parties where we would act as if we were on the verge of insanity (or there), and most of all being best friends. That today, I do not feel comfortable going on and sharing the stories that are in my head; if I had to write stories concerning those friends now, I am sure the theme would be of how to lose a friendship. But there apparently one little thing can alter everything; one little thing can change the world forever.
I can never fully blame it on one person. We all had our own part, made our own choices. But there is one person I know I could never completely exclude. And she is the kind of person that was put on this earth to put feul into the fire. I cannot say that I hate her; in fact, I still care about her. We became close, and once I become close to someone there is really no going back. But I am angry. I am angry about secret clubs that involve hating people. I am angry about all of those day sitting on the front porch and listening to her talk about my friends, and then having the nerve to join in. I am angry at letting myself be brainwashed to think that doing something like that was okay, that they were still my best friends. And lastly, I am angry that every single person in that amazing group of friends fell subject to that at one point or another. But still, even though it involved some “egging on” so to speak, I can never blaim just one individual. It was every single one of us, for letting it get that way.
And I know that the past is in the past. It could never be the same again, I don’t think. Now we have all separated, gone our own ways. But it sure is a shame. I know that there are things I could have done to save us. But unlike those pirate stories, I was not the hero. I let it all go. I tried with a few failed attempts, but I was weak. And yes, I have kept in touch with every single one of them, and even become good friends with some of them again. But it pains me, every single day, knowing that I could have done something different. No regrets, really, but it still hurts. Because even then, I knew things could have been different, somehow. And it gets harder, all of the time, to try to keep in contact. Sometimes I wish the memories could be deleted just as quickly as the pictures, and just as painlessly.
We should have been able to get through this. That is what I tell myself. We should not have let our friendships get so corrupt and…evil. We are all angry at each other…why? Because some person came along and told me that this person was bad, told her that the other girl was bad, and told the other girl that I was bad? And we believed it?! Some friendship we all must have had. I don’t know, it just seems unfair. We were caught off gaurd, all of us, I am sure of it.
Someone might read this, and part of me hopes they all do. And I do not want anyone to be mad. Not a single one. Because no matter who did what, truth is, I care about all of them. From the oldest of friends, to the newest. And I mean that. Because even with someone new that came in and threw a wrench in the works of our friendship, if we had been on our gaurd that would not have stopped us. We would have conquered that, asked her to join, and helped her realize that we were true friends. No gossip or backstabbing, please. But we were not, so that one difference tore us a part. And now it is no more.
I feel like the only person that would agonize over this type of thing. But that is my story, rather vague but true. I am sorry it does not fit in with my photograph theme, but I think that the lack of a photograph speaks louder than anything. It means I have been in enough pain to delete it. And too much to ever delete them.
Hopefully more to come soon. Happy Blogging, and please continue to visit my page.
Edit: Oh! I have not made this clear yet in any previous entries, but please feel free to comment! I just recently changed my settings so that even if you are not a wordpress member, you can comment. So please feel free to leave your thoughts by commenting. Thank you!
A Night With My Sisters.
Posted by: Amanda on: April 22, 2009
Yes, I know. The title said “sisters” and not just “sister.” And the critics might claim that I have only admitted to having one sister. Yes, I do only have one biological sister. But I also have a whole different group of people to call my sisters, and they are all of the members of Sigma Iota Theta.
I guess I didn’t really mention it yet because really, this semester, I haven’t acted like much of a member. I mean, how could I with all of the stress between family, work, and school? But I did miss them dearly, and tonight I realized that they missed me just as much. And it made me realize all over again how lucky I was to have received a bid, and become a part of such an extraordinary group of ladies. And I am proud to call myself a member of Sigma Iota Theta–Delta class.
It is quite obvious that I didn’t take the picture for this entry. I actually snagged the logo from the Epsilon Pledge Class page. Unfortunately that is a secret page on facebook, so I can’t give you the link. ;] Haha. But, if you do want to learn more about the awesome group I am apart of, feel free to check it out at the Sigma Official Website, made by our lovely web mistress Jess! =]
So, now that that is established, my night with them was the tea party thrown by the Epsilon class. It was a good idea for an event, I must say. I had a great time, and I am hoping to get more involved with them. School is almost over, so that means more free time to hang out with great people, and hopefully post more here!
For now, I have a paper to write. (Yes, another one) So good night–and Happy Blogging!
Movin’ out!
Posted by: Amanda on: April 16, 2009
Sorry for not posting for the longest time. I have had a lot to do, and little Internet time. In fact, I probably shouldn’t really even be posting now. But, I figured that this would be more productive than just aimlessly surfing the web the way I was. Yep.
Anyways, what you have in this lovely picture is my current living room, in the apartment that I live in with Jaryd. The reason for all of the graffiti type modifications is that we are going to moving out in June. Yes, moving out. And that means back at home, with my parents. (But! That also means I will have full-time Internet, hooray!)
After a long talk with Jaryd’s Mom Monday night, we realized that the best thing for him to do would be to go to RIC for four years, if he decided he wanted to go. And now we figure that we are definitely going to need to start doing some serious saving while he can still work full-time, and hence, we are moving back home. There is no way that we are about to save paying 550 a month, on top of all of our other bills. Well, we were doing just fine, until we found out he may need 700 dollars worth of car repairs. So not happening! So it is time for a change, and that mean moving back home. I am kind of thankful, because I was certainly not ready for all of this responsibility. Trying to handle a house and college is just too much right now.
The awful thing is going to be telling our landlords. Technically, we were supposed to stay there for at least a year. And that would have maybe worked if Jaryd was going to only go to college for two years, but now, not so much. We are waiting to break the bad news to them until we find out whether or not we have a replacement (Jaryd’s friend Randy) so that maybe it won’t be as terrible of a thing. But they have to understand when a kid wants to go to college….there is no way he will be able to pay for the rent only working weekends! No way!
So now I really only have two other things to worry about: If my dog, Brandy, will like our kitten, Bella–and whether or not my parents are going to keep up their “no-fighting” streak. We can only hope! But all of that we will find out in time.
I guess that I am going to be moving into my sister’s old room. My Dad told me when I moved out “You are always allowed to come back home, but you will get whatever is left.” And I guess they are sticking to that. But! I am pretty excited because I get to pick out any paint color that I want, and they will paint over my sister’s Barney-colored walls. (Oh, yes! I said Barney-colored!) And I already know what I want, I think. 
And it is going to be this lovely bright green featured in this photo. This is not any room that I have taken a picture of, it is from roomzaar, which I definitely recommend for anyone trying to get great room ideas!
So, although there have been a lot of changes over the past week or two, I must say that they are all pretty good. I really won’t mind going back home, and I am definitely excited for my new room project. It should be pretty interesting, and worth it to have my boyfriend at the same college. I am excited, excited, excited!
That is all for now, though. I will try to update more often.
But until then—Happy Blogging, everyone!
